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Honesty ♥

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[23 Nov 2004|09:14am]
I feel like I havent posted in forever. Well, anyway, things have been great. I'm finding out who I am more and more each day. The new marking period is here and I've been doing my homework (Maybe I wont fail this time) And I'm starting to forget about the kid I've been liking forever, okay, maybe not.

Upcoming shows:
TBS,Atreyu,Funeral for a Friend = Tomorrow.
Trophy Scars, Maverick = Saturday
Outfit, No Easy Answer = Sunday


Winter dance is coming up.. anyone wanna come ? It doesnt have to be anyone from my town.
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[16 Nov 2004|05:44pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

Maybe it's me, but recently all the talk in the bathrooms is who had sex with who. I like cutting in and telling them that I haven't kissed a guy in over 4 monthes. They break down and start asking me how I live. It's accually quite simple. And I get called a slut in my town, and other towns as well. It's funny because I remember last year, that If you had sex, you were a slut. And now, it's the cool thing to do.

All the amber, green, yellow, orange and simply beautiful leaves have all fallen off every single tree. Its upsetting, because I have nothing to occupy me when walking home, or when having a ciggerette. The colors were like my close friends. Now they have falled from the trees and lost their brilliant color. It seems like a lot of my old close friends and I have lost our color also.

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[15 Nov 2004|04:29pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I have this fear of making a dysfunctional family when I grow up. My family is just so weird sometimes that I wonder how I'll ever wind up normal.

My grandma, mom, and aunts are so serious -- asking all these tough questions about life at the wonderful Whippany Park. I didn't want to lie and make everything seem rosy. I think I might have slowly started falling asleep while I was walking backwards. WP is what you make of it, it's great on the good days and kind of Hades-like on the bad days.

Narrowed hallways with the smell of peeling paint and hot-to-the-touch radiators. The sounds of the howling wind edging in from the window that won't close. Kids swarming through the halls like an ant maze. Just an average high school. Nothing too extrodinary. But they act as if school is such an amazing place. Dont get me wrong, learning is great, but Whippany Park isn't that interesting.

And for something different...
I'm starting to feel very used, confused, and ignored. So many reasons can fit under these categorys however I'm in no mood to write them all out for you. Sorry.

- Jessica.

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[14 Nov 2004|10:59am]
[ mood | blah ]

Recently I've found myself going into tortoise mode. I rarely left my house this weekend, though I might have gone to the diner for an hour or so. I did way to much thinking this weekend, and I got really upset. I still have absolutely no idea where my future lies. Anyway, today is Sunday, and this entire weekend has been a waste, and I'm really not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow because I realize that nothing is ever going to happen.

I'm going to Rutherford today, I'll be happier when I come back.

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[12 Nov 2004|11:39pm]
[ mood | calm ]

I felt out of place today, which is odd because I was with the people that I usually felt comforted by. I really didn't want to be there, and to add on to this it was raining and cold. Besides this hour of my day, I would like to say that the rest of it has been well. School went by fast and I enjoyed hanging out with my cousin and afterwords with Tom, but not for too long, but like always, our conversations are very meaningful to me.

I am starting to wonder if people act differently when I am around them. I feel like I make people nervous and uncomfortable, but I only want to know who they really are in the inside.

Life is still good.

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[11 Nov 2004|05:33pm]
[ mood | content ]

Beautiful. The world is absolutely beautiful. I have been clean for 3 weeks from everything, and I have been excepting everything a lot more, and looking inside everyone and finding their true beauty. I love my life and everyone in it. I love my friends and family. Does this make me sound fake ? We'll I'm not. I look at everyones flaws, and my mind turns them into something brilliant. These flaws make them into who they are which I love with all my heart. And I believe I have found my true inner self because of these magnificant people. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!

And I'm not only thanking my close friends, but everyone I talk to. Everyone who has spoken a word to me. Anyone who has bothered to say hello to me. I feel like I haven't expressed my love for everyone enough, and I'm sorry, but please do realize that you are all amazing and I love you all for making me who I am and helping me find that person.

P.S - Happy Birthday Michael, I wish you didn't ignore me so much. I dont like being enemys. Remember when we were the best of friends ? I do. I used to think we would be infinate.

P.P.S - I'm reading a book called "Elliott Smith and the Big Nothing" its really good so far. And for those of you who don't know who Elliott Smith is, go download some songs. His songs are breath-taking. (Thank you for letting me borrow the book Pat)

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[10 Nov 2004|08:37pm]
What is going on our school? Society? Media? Isn't it amazing how people can fake depression, tell everyone, put a few scars on their body for evidence (to show that they are idiots) that they can get infamous amount of attention? Its rediculous. Cutting has become the new fashion, "Come on everyone, lets cut ourselves and become noticed!" And to add to that make up family and drug problems that dont even exist. Oh and dont forget to pick up a few new outfits from Hot Topic and get rid of your Abercrombie and Fitch clothes that your rich familys paid hundreds of dollers on.

Hopefully one day they are going to wake up from this phase, and realize that your mom yelling at you to do something you dont want to do isnt a real problem. Sure, it gets annoying, but stop acting like an idiot, and live your life. There are so many amazing, beautiful things out there and you sitting home cutting yourself and thinking of new problems to tell your friends so that they feel bad for you is going to get you no where, except leave you with a few scars that your going to regret for the rest of your life because you'll realize how stupid you were.
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[09 Nov 2004|07:01pm]
Its really upsetting when you know you can't help someone, but you wish to God you could. All I can say is " I'm Sorry."

and I'm sorry that thats all I can do.
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[08 Nov 2004|07:02pm]
I have so much to say, but I cannot word it correctly so I'm just going to say what I feel and make it sloppy, I hope you all dont mind. Thoughts :

-I have so many friends, and I'm usually always with someone, but I feel so lonely. I need to find myself. I have absolutely no idea who I am.

-I miss hugging someone for over 5 minutes. I miss cuddleing.

-Michelle you have gotten so pretty (you always have been), we should get married.

-I love life without drugs. Its so beautiful

-Happy Birthday Juan

-I havent eaten sushi in a long time, Im probobly going for some this weekened. Anyone care to come ?
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[07 Nov 2004|09:54pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Four-day weekends are good times for thinking, not really about anything in particular, just about the grandiose themes of 'LIFE', 'THE FUTURE', 'LOVE' and so on.I have come away with this:

As for love, It's existing. I think he may have a clue, but I'm not sure. I wish he'd hint to me that he knows, or he feels the same way, or doesnt. Maybe he has, but I'm not observant enough to realize it.

I do not know where my future lies. I know that I was given a purpose, but I still don't know what. I am extremely blessed to have the friends, family, and environment I do. I am prone to hurt most the ones I love most. And yet I'm lucky enough to have people who return to me again and again

Thank you, all of you, for all that you have done for me. I don't show my gratitude enough -- for the times you've helped me with my problems, walked with me to class, told me your crushes, giggled with me over silly stories, given me rides home late at night, waving at me in the hallway when I walk past, smiling at me even when you didn't feel tip-top, burning me cds of interesting songs, sharing cookies with me secretly in class, calling me with questions, answering my late night calls, lending me money, calming me down, sharing your accomplishments with me, sending me pictures, and just being my genuine friends...even though I am mean/selfish/silly/moody/dumb -- thank you for showing me that you love me.

so -- Good night to you, my dear friends.

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[06 Nov 2004|10:37pm]



Today was fun.

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[06 Nov 2004|10:02am]
I have been up since 3:45 and I went to bed at one.

On the bright side, I got see to see the sunrise. It was so beautiful and magical. Im going to write a poem on it, I'll post it when I'm done.

So I was outside from about 4:30 till about 7:30. Chain smoking, drinking tea, and observing what I never had before considering I was never up this early and outside. The stars and moon were still out when I awoke, it was so amazing I wish I could have shared it with someone. That would have made it 100 times better. I noticed that all the pretty amber and yellow leaves fell off my favorite tree, and It's the only one on my block that doesn't have any leaves. I bet it feels naked. Sorry tree.

I was also thinking about last night a lot too. I thought about how I got to see different sides of people that I have never seen before and I absolutly loved it. Its great when people arn't around their cliques and they don't have to show off infront of anyone, and people that I normally dont talk to, talked to me and they are great people. I cant explain in words about how loving this night was.

Candice, We'll miss you.
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[06 Nov 2004|12:26am]
[ mood | tired ]

Today was a beautiful, yet somewhat depressing day. Seeing everyone together with so much love was amazing and so much fun, untill around 11 when reality set in. Candice was leaving tomorrow(or today, whichever way you'd like to say it) and then everyone started crying. I think Tom (her boyfriend) was hurt the most. The look in his eyes when she started crying was devistating.

Even though I've only known you for a few days, you seem like an extremly wonderful, fun, amazing friend. I wish we could have hung out more and became closer. I hope you meet many interesting and fun people when you move, but please dont forget about your friends here.

Love always,
Jessica Marie Polmann

PS: my sisters name is going to be Sierra Rose Rutkowski. Isnt it beautiful ?

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[04 Nov 2004|06:58pm]
[ mood | awake ]

"Change is good." For somethings I believe it is true. However when its for a negative reason, I think differently. Some of my friends have changed in this way and now I feel alone because I know I cant talk to them the same way as I used to.

Its weird when your best friends start going out. They are always with eachother, and it leaves me here, on livejournal again. However, I know two wonderful, amazing people to talk to. Tom naming one, and Pat(even though we never talk in person), I trust you guys more than anyone, you are both extremely interesting, and great talkers and listeners. Thank you, I love you both.

Jessica. Marie. Polmann.

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[02 Nov 2004|10:00pm]
Today was intereting in a non intersting way.

Im listening to songs to recall my memories about time periods of my life.

I seriouly hate having a crush on someone who has absolutly no interest in me. I press myself into some sort of weird fantasy where I end up going around in a circle. I should know better than this I've already been through these things. Why dont I learn from my mistakes?

I am contimplating on whether I should tell him my feelings for him or not. Im leaning towards no, and Im going to try get this " I cant stop thinking about you" feeling out of my head!
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[01 Nov 2004|09:48pm]
Today's Accomplishments:

My pile of work makes a good arm rest. That's sad.
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[30 Oct 2004|10:40am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Yesterday after school, I fell asleep in my kitchen (don't worry -- I wasnt anywhere dangerous) and dreamt that I was walking through a hallway door upon door, looking for someone I needed to talk to. Every door opened to reveal another great distance with a door on the far end. I just kept walking because the doors behind me closed and I couldn't turn around now, I had to keep going. The person I was looking for had no face and kept being just out of reach -- just beyond the next door. I was wondering at why I was chasing this phantom character when the sound of my moms voice woke me up. This was slightly disconcerting due to my: a.)sincere belief that I was sleeping in my own bed b.)upon waking, the sight of my moms face inches from mine. I think I might have yelped.

I had forgotten how much fun a costume party with old friends was, in a warm house with two yappy little dogs, a pretty piano, and a few bottles of Captin Morgan. Everywhere the smell of sugared treats and colored leaves and a giant leaf pile in the front, just waiting to be plopped in.-- perhaps all that I have done or strived for or slept in the kitchen through was a set-up for the moment I fell, backwards, into a mound of crunchy vegetation, my hands and legs disappearing beneath the swirling masses.

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[28 Oct 2004|10:02pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Appropriately, it was a dark and cold night. The theatre was semi-packed, the median age in the room was 70, and the lights were soft within the main hall. There was anticipation, yes, but, more so - there was this feeling of comfort and warmth.

It was beautiful. And I will remember the way the lights glinted off the rows and rows of chorus students long after my eyesight fades. Perhaps my parents are right -- perhaps I am foolish, irresponsible, disorganized, mean-spirited and dumb -- perhaps they are right when they -- perhaps I deserve to be hurt. I'm not really good at being objective about myself so I'm not quite sure which view is more true -- mine or theirs. But, even when the night is dark and freezing and even when I feel crushed beyond my capacity, I know that inside my head is the memory of a stage booming with the sound of my friends singing beautifuly and the piano, guitar, and bongos at play.

It is enough.

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[28 Oct 2004|06:10pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Everyone said that high school would be so easy. Besides all the conflicted emotions, sleep deprivation, malnutrition, general heartache, angry parents, confused life plans, blank word documents, event after event after event,constant drug abbuse and forgetting one's worth I'm sure its much easier.

Anyway, there was a lunar eclipse last night. I wanted to fly up into the moon and sit in a crater, marveling at the way the ground beneath me shifted color and I stayed the same. I wanted everything to change and for me to remain stable.

Today I had an incredible conversation with Tom. He is amazing.

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Letters to the world. [27 Oct 2004|10:04pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

dear bio test,
i am not studying. maybe if i fall asleep on my textbook all the information will seep into my brain via osmosis. please be merciful.

Dear Love,
Why why why are you so non existant ?

dear Bright Eyes,
i hope i can buy your new CDs soon. i don't care if i have to pay $15 apiece; i love you guys too much. to the latter, you know you can just call me up anytime you want to get married. sooner or later you will see that we are soulmates.

dear taking back sunday,
i can't wait to see you on november 21th.

dear Elliott Smith,
i am addicted. why is your music so good? but why can't i find any lyrics to this song?

dear L.A essays,
why won't you write yourselves?

dear the "i can't stop thinking about you" feeling,
please please please go away.

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